Take Back Control
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Are you a tinderbox now?
Suddenly furious at little things and big. Moving through these back-to-normal days trying not to lose it.
Partners in love and work are over it. Maybe they are ready to walk. Little kids avoid you. The teenagers won’t come out of their rooms.
I’m sure you’ve googled anger management, (that’s how you found me, right?) read some articles, breathed, counted to ten, walked around the block. These aren’t bad ideas and they may work for some, but not for you.
If you are blessed with powerful emotions its on you to figure out how to contain them. I say blessed because strong emotions are actually an asset. Once you know how to surf them. You will love having a choice about showing your feelings. It’ll put you back in charge.
We hurtle through these post-pandemic days. Choose a space to think and calm down. My zoom room is a good place to start.
We will talk about anger and rage as a strategy to deal with something worse.
Hard to believe that exploding is the good option, but if you are using anger to hold yourself together when you feel like you are disintegrating, then anger might be a step up from oblivion. Likewise, a person who struggles with an inner critic who never shuts up might spew those internal takedowns on someone else, just to catch a break. There are as many ways to use anger as there are people and situations. We need to figure out what you are trying to do.
This exploration will yield results unless you are replaying a trauma.
And listening to your parents fight in the other room is enough to get a child’s fantasy life going and lay down some tracks for how things should go between lovers. Maybe you weren’t in the other room. Maybe you were in the same room or trying to separate them. Now it’s not a strategy. There’s no strategy, there’s only actions and hitting rewind over and over and over again.
We need to climb into your child mind and try to think about what you knew, what you felt, what you heard. We need to dismantle the automatic response. It’s like taking down a building filled with asbestos. Slow, careful, protected and…gone. We work to understand the 360 of what you experienced, with an even-handedness to all concerned.
In my decades of working with sensitive and explosive people, I’ve learned a lot from my patients and if something worked for someone else, I’m not shy about sharing. But there’s no checklist for this.
It’s likely that someone taught you how to blow up.
And we will be talking about that person quite a bit. Again, we are going for all the feelings, the fear, the wish for revenge, the humiliation, the love, the excitement, the hero status and the relief at finally being seen.
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